Stable is the new good enough.

For once my July brought good cancer news: my tumor markers and neck ultrasound show that everything is stable.

Although cancer-free would be ideal in a lot of ways, no growth is honestly just as good. I could live my whole life with a stable tumor and be the healthiest me I can be. That’s the funny part about tumors — they actually don’t cause a lot of issues until they start moving around, well, causing issues. I will continue to do what I can to support my body to be the most well I can be, but I’ve been able to shift out of triage mode. Everything feels less urgent now that we’re back at a quiet stable level.

I have an immense amount of gratitude for everyone who contributed financially, energetically, and spiritually to me in the last 7 years. A huge shout out to everyone who donated money to me — I know the thanks you’s through GoFundMe got lost in the internet for many folks, so the more I can say it again and again, the more I hope you all know what an amazing impact that had on my access to treatments. I have no doubt that all of the therapies I tried worked together in harmony to help my body get back to a place of stability.

I talked about this already in my last update but it feels like it bears repeating. Being nearly seven years into this cancer experience is most definitely showing signs of longterm wear — particularly in the money department. I have been overwhelmingly privileged to take so much time off of active work the past few years. And at the same time, having an unpaid existence in an incredibly expensive city (with access to all of the top treatments) leaves quite a mark. Everything came to a head this year around March; one week I had been doing weekly acupuncture, myofascial release, talk therapy, and other support, and then the next week I realized I couldn’t actually afford any of it.

It was humbling, for a number of reasons. It was interesting to see the domino effect it had on my practitioners as well — the economic structure crumbled rapidly. It was like a terrible whirlwind for everyone involved. I felt bad that I hadn’t been paying realistic attention to the costs — it was in large part because of the insurance rollover at the beginning of the year (realizing how much got reimbursed last year), and also some client work falling through on my end. What could have been a financial lifeline dried up due to uncontrollable circumstances. Such is the life of trying to revive a self-employed business after a year’s medical hiatus.

So what does this mean? I’ve been relying on myself for self-guided healing and wellness. I’ve been leaning into the spaces I’m already involved, I’ve negotiated trades with friends to swap services, and I’m learning what it’s like to rely fully on my own intuition for healing. For as much as I value and honor my various practitioners and support, it’s also an interesting invitation into a new level self agency.

My friends and I have been talking a lot about moving away from putting SO much energy into “healing” whatever that means. For me it’s about shifting into the mindset that I am exactly as I am — I don’t need to be different than I am. Healing as a reflection of listening to intuition and impulses to let energy move through rather than healing as a “fix” or to make yourself whole. Being in perfect health isn’t even attainable because our symptoms etc are simply reactions in our body of our environment (physical, mental, and emotional). I see symptoms as gauges of where I am in space. Do I need to pull back here? Push more there?

Health has become more of a deeper exploration into presence and true self-awareness rather than a goal to achieve. I think that’s why I get so bristly when other functional practitioners view it as such. It’s all so much more fluid than we give it credit for.

On a practical level, I got a job at the front desk of my yoga studio one day a week to take advantage of the wonderful community, free membership access, and a little cash flow (and ocean views!). I’m taking on more digital organizing clients and we’ve been working our way through the usual suspects of cleaning up old accounts, passwords, and other things like that. I’m exploring ways to expand what I offer and how, and I’m taking advantage of the summer weather to encourage me to push hard(ish) on work right now before I can cocoon a little more in the wintertime.

Right now trying nourish my work life feels like what will support my health. Not having to check my bank account with cartoon sweat beads coming down my face will go such a long way towards helping my body feel relaxed and rested — that’s when we heal after all! So here’s to more work, less worrying about needing to leave our apartment ASAP, and more ease-based wellness. I’m trying to leaning into the gratitude of being able to even focus more energy on work right now and honor the privilege of not feeling like cancer is breathing down my neck.

I’m still holding mortality at the forefront of each day — I’m never less happy than when I start living life like time is a given. It’s when I make choices that don’t support any of my well-being. This really is it. This is the wellness journey: choosing life because of death.